


Part III: "Gasoline was on my clothes."

by cosmics (Cosmics)



Series: ashes in my wake [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anidala, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Clone Wars, Clones, F/M, Jedi, Lightsabers, OFC - Freeform, SAD-ISH ENDING, Sith, Teen Angst, The Dark Side - Freeform, there are two more parts left don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-02 18:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2821580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosmics/pseuds/cosmics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Clone Wars are providing a great number of victims for Knight Mox Howes and she's also trying to figure out what exactly happened on Ansion - the end is near.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. “I get up in the morning to the beat of the drum.”

Red flashes behind my eyelids  
and it’s been a month since I’ve been  
Knighted  
and my birthday has passed  
and I am in constant pain.  
Commanding battles against the Separatists  
has given me many victims  
and the headaches are full force.

The children  
stare  
at me  
as I try to get a grip on myself.  
“Master Sinube,”  
I call  
and he is soon by my side  
dismissing the younglings.

“You should go  
home,”  
he advises.  
“Go rest.”

Do I have a  
home?  
This place has nothing for me  
with Anakin and Master Kenobi on the battlefront  
and Padme on Naboo.

I am not feeling poetic tonight  
and I am not feeling strong  
and the Dark Side  
pulls  
on my soul heavily,  
calling,  
offering a  
dusky and dense  
blanket to rest under  
to hide myself from the world.  
I want to wrap myself in it  
and never look back at this  
place  
and these people  
who call themselves the Light  
but the majority of whom  
have shown me  
less warmth  
then that of strangers.

I am a stranger.

///

Luckily,  
I do not have time to think  
when bombs are exploding  
all around me.

“General Howes!”  
The clone leader of Anakin’s 501st  
appears from the dust cloud  
the bombs have shook loose from the ground.  
“I can’t find General Skywalker.”

I sigh,  
“Of course not,  
he request the Council send me here  
and then disappear.  
Sounds just like Anakin.”  
I unclip my lightsaber  
from my belt and ignite it.  
“Where did you last see him?”

“In front of the troops,  
General.”  
The commander points  
somewhere in the cloud  
at blaster bolts being shot back and forth.  
“Then I got distracted  
and when I looked back  
he was gone.”

“Don’t worry about him,  
Commander,  
I’ll find him.”  
We depart and I am left to navigate  
my way through the orange dust  
using only the Force  
to find Anakin.

I catch a tendril  
of his Life Force,  
the warm glow spurring me forward  
until I am in the midst of the battle  
with shots flying by me from both sides  
and my blade ignited  
to deflect them.

“Nice of you  
to finally join me,”  
Anakin appears beside me  
and his Life Force  
burns in my head.  
I scrunch my nose  
for some relief.

I roll my eyes  
and tap my comlink to tell  
the clone commander  
that I had successfully found Anakin.

“Rex was worried?”  
Anakin overhears my confirmation.

“When a Jedi Knight disappears  
in the middle of a dust cloud  
and bombs  
one should worry.”

He shrugs  
and slices through some droids.  
“Glad to see your finally back  
to the battlefront,  
anyhow.  
What took you so long?”

“I was doing research  
about Ansion  
and also helping Master Sinube.”  
Blaster shots reflect  
off of my lightsaber  
but more and more droids keep coming.

“Ah, that old man.  
Have your  
headaches  
been getting any  
worse?”

“Yes.  
What are we doing here again?”  
I ask Anakin.  
“Who are we looking for?”

“There were rumors  
Dooku  
was here.”  
Anakin’s eyes gleam.  
“And there are plenty of  
unsavory  
people to be rid of.”

I laugh.  
“I guess you’ll leave them  
to me?”

“I want Dooku,  
you can have the rest.  
We’re actually close to a commander now,  
I’m not sure who it is,  
but you may still  
kill him.”

“Deal.”  
We make our way closer  
to the Separatist base  
through the cloud.

“How are we getting in?  
What’s the plan?”  
I ask Anakin.

“Well I was planning on the air vents  
in the back of the building  
but I may be too large.  
I need a plan B.”  
He slices through the last of the droids  
who are guarding the door  
and then all the chaos is behind us  
as we round the corner  
toward the vent.  
“We need to get in there  
to capture the commander  
as soon as possible.  
I haven't seen Padme in a week.”

“I can fit,”  
I tell him,  
examining the size  
of the vent,  
“but why can’t we go through the  
door?”

“It’s armed with an alarm  
and also probably many more droids,  
like droidekas instead of just these things.”  
He kicks the tan head out of his way.

“I’ll dismantle the alarm  
and take care of the droids if I can.  
Stay here.”  
I pop the cover and climb in,  
worming my way through  
until I hear voices.

“The Jedi are outside!”  
A Nemoidian.  
“Close the blast doors,  
and have some droids  
report here from the battle  
immediately!”

“Yes sir!”  
Another Nemoidian.  
This isn’t a Trade Federation planet  
and they have no business here.  
They must have been planning to take over  
with the Separatist army.

I kick the vent out  
and come face to face  
with the second Nemoidian.  
The last thing he hears  
is my voice greeting him  
“Hello,”  
and then he’s crumpled to the floor  
with a hole in his chest.  
I grin through the prick of pain  
in my head.  
I feel exhilarated.

Slicing through the droids  
that immediately attack  
feels like the easiest thing I’ve done  
in a standard year  
and then the other Nemoidian  
is pleading on his knees  
and as much as I wish I could kill him  
I don’t.

I comm Anakin.  
“I got him,  
the commander.  
What do I do with him?”

Anakin’s voice comes back static  
and I hear blaster shots.  
“Cuff him  
and bring him out here  
unless you want to kill him.  
First order him to surrender.”

“I surrender! I surrender!”  
The Nemoidian grovels.

“All you Nemoidans are so weak  
and cowardly.”  
I’m disgusted,  
how quick he turns on his kind.  
It’s hypocritical though,  
I know,  
because I just as quickly turned on mine  
when I killed my first unarmed man.  
“Order off the droids.”

He does,  
and then Anakin is in the room with me  
along with the clone commander Anakin called Rex.

“Where’s Dooku?”  
Anakin asks,  
advancing toward the Nemoidian.

“Not here,  
he just left!  
I swear!”

“When?”

“About a standard hour before  
she got here!”  
The separatist points at me.

“Where was he going?”  
I ask.

“I don’t know!”  
And then the next thing I know  
the scum is pointing a blaster  
at Rex’s turned back  
he had pulled from a pocket in his robes.

Then this Separatist too,  
has a hole in his chest  
and I can’t help but feel  
satisfaction  
as I watch his body fall  
from the kneeling position  
and onto the ground  
with  
nothing  
left in him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title from "Lose Your Soul" by Dead Man's Bones.
> 
> Part III should actually be pretty short and then Part IV is projected to be only two chapters and Part V will definitely only be one. In Part III though, everything comes to a head and Mox has a decision to make.


	2. “I think I found out that I have nothing, nothing in this place for me.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dream reminds Mox of what she tried so hard to forget.

I am in a dream  
and it is dark  
and I am alone.  
She is not here  
and she might not be coming.  
Maybe this is the end,  
maybe she’s already been killed.  
Maybe I will die that young,  
in only a few years.  
Maybe there is nothing left.

It is dark,  
like the night,  
but I can make out my surroundings  
and I know where I am,  
but I do not recognize it  
like a weird sense of deja-vu.

And then there is a light  
and I see her,  
but it is not the version of me  
I am used to visiting.  
No,  
I am younger,  
about thirteen.

And suddenly I know where I am  
and what I am doing here.  
After three years,  
I suddenly remember

This was the  
end.  
I watch from above  
as the scenes unfold in front of me,  
and I  
remember.

The light zooms out a little more  
and I see my Master  
and he’s walking in front of me,  
talking to a diplomat  
with a long robe  
and a tall headpiece.  
Then there’s a flash  
and the diplomat falls  
and my Master illuminates his lightsaber  
and insists that I do the same.

My lightsaber was orange,  
as it is now,  
and even the younger versi on of myself  
glances at it with a sort of  
disdain.  
“Master,” the padawan calls,  
and then there is a Togrutan Sith  
holding a red lightsaber  
and approaching us  
with a young child at her side,  
his hand in hers.  
I recognize him  
from earlier on the misson.

“Give me the plans,  
or this child  
will perish.”  
She is using the diplomat’s son  
as a hostage.  
“And the whole family  
will be eradicated.”

“No.”  
My Master is stoic.  
“I will not give you the plans.”

The Sith shrugs.  
“Fine then.”  
She puts her lightsaber through the boy  
and a cry of _“No!”_  
falls from my young lips  
and it is all the younger me can do  
to not fall over.

I want to pull my eyes away,  
to escape this dream,  
but such wishes are cowardly.

I hear my voice call out  
in warning  
to my Master,  
and the Sith attacks  
and there are flashes of blue and red  
and sometimes purple  
and a body falls  
and it is my Master.

He is not dead,  
but his right arm has been  
detached.  
His lightsaber arm.

The Sith turns to me,  
who is frozen,  
scared,  
and alone.  
She taunts,  
“You’re too weak  
for the Sith  
and that is why your lightsaber remains  
orange  
and why you remain with the  
Jedi.”  
She laughs,  
“Your Master was weak,  
you are weak.”

I launch myself at her  
and then my lightsaber slashes through her middle  
and she is dead.  
I am not weak.

My Master has gotten up  
in his pain  
and staggers toward me now.  
“Good job, padawan.”  
He ruffles my hair  
and I stare at the fallen body  
of the diplomat’s son.

“You should have tried to  
save  
him.”  
I murmur.

“Sometimes you must sacrifice  
one  
for the good of  
all.”  
My Master reels  
toward the direction of the ship.

“No,”  
I say.  
“No!  
You could have  
 _saved_  
him!”  
Tears well in my eyes  
and I fling myself to face  
my Master.  
“We could have thought of  
something!”

My Master shakes his head.  
“Let it go,  
Padawan.  
I need medical attention,  
it’s time to go.”

“I will not leave his body,  
Master.”  
My eyes drop  
to the young boy.  
He could not have been more  
than two standard years old,  
still just a baby,  
still just a child.  
He had so much to live for.

“You will!  
And you will learn to  
let go.”  
He is getting angry.  
“Do not disobey me,  
young Padawan.”

My eyes raise to my Master’s  
filled with tears,  
and anger  
and hate  
and pain.  
“I will not.”

I ignite my lightsaber,  
and when the other Jedi  
find me,  
I am sitting next to my Master’s body,  
crying,  
my eyes staring a uncomprehending gaze  
right through the hole  
in his chest.

_This was the beginning,  
and I have nothing now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "Female Robbery" by the Neighbourhood.
> 
> There should be six chapters in all in this part but I don't want to put it in the little box thingy in case I decide to add something and/or smoosh two things together :)


	3. “To Hell with this place, I’m going my own way.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mox finally decides.

The Jedi Council  
has finally noticed the difference  
in me.  
They have noticed  
my thinness  
my limp hair  
the circles under my eyes  
the paleness of my cheeks.  
They know something is wrong.

“Do you know why  
we called you here,  
Knight Howes?”  
Master Windu’s eyes  
bore  
straight into me  
and I think he begins to see.  
He begins to see the darkness  
inside of me  
twisting against the light from the windows  
and the cruelty  
marked onto the beads  
hanging around my throat  
from a piece of string.

“No, Master.”  
But I do really.

Master Yoda calls me out on it.  
“Lie,  
you do.”

Master Mundi says,  
“You look ill,  
Young Knight.”

“I’m just tired,  
Master.  
Jedi don’t get sick.”  
I’m not a Jedi anymore.  
That ended when I  
killed  
my Master.  
I’ve just been pretending,  
playing the part  
of what I am not.

“Weight  
you have lost  
and your cheeks  
are sallow.”  
Yoda counters my statement.  
“Caused by insomnia,  
that is not.”

He is right,  
it’s not caused by insomnia;  
it’s caused by wishing  
everything  
could be  
undone.

“Go to the infirmary,  
you are excused from  
your next mission  
with Knight Skywalker.”  
Master Windu looks a little too  
pleased  
with that idea.  
He thinks we make too much  
trouble when we are together.

“I am fine, Masters,  
honestly.  
I can still go,”  
I protest.  
Anakin needs me.

“Fine, you are not!”  
Yoda bangs his stick onto the floor  
causing a small _boom._  
“To the infirmary  
you must go.  
Argue not,  
Young Howes.”

I bow my head  
in submission.  
I will go.  
The healers will not be able  
to do anything  
for my ill heart  
and mind.

///

“I don’t know what to do for you.”  
The healer is frustrated.  
“This is not  
a physical illness.  
This is not a wound.  
This is not a missing limb.  
I can do nothing.”

I incline my head  
for the second time today.  
“I know,  
but the Council ordered me  
to stay here  
for a bit.”  
I pause.  
“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.  
I’m sorry  
I can’t do more.”  
She leaves me to my quarters  
in the infirmary.

I stare at the ceiling and wish  
I had been  
a different  
person.

I trace the smooth whiteness  
with my eyes  
and realize more and more  
with each passing second  
how little I belong here.

I need to leave.  
I can no longer be a Jedi.  
There is no place for me here.

The door slides open  
and Anakin is waiting on the other side.  
He pulls a chair up  
next to my bedside.

“Sorry you can’t come  
back to Naboo,”  
he says.  
Anakin’s going as the Chancellor’s guard  
for a visit back to his home planet.  
“I’ll miss you.”

I smile.  
“I’ll miss you too.”  
 _I’ll miss you even more_  
when I leave this place.  
I can’t wait until  
the end of the war  
anymore.  
I need to leave  
soon.

I need to be  
alone.

I close my eyes.  
“I know what happened  
to my Master.”

Anakin is quiet.  
Maybe he’s already guessed.

“I had a dream,  
the other night,  
except it wasn’t a dream.  
It was like a nightmare,  
but a memory.”

“What happened?”  
The word’s leave his lips softly.  
Softer than I’ve ever heard him say  
anything.

“I  
killed  
him.”

Anakin is silent again.

“He didn’t save a little boy.  
He could have saved him.  
So I  
killed  
him.”  
Tears gather in my eyes.  
“I drove a lightsaber  
right through his  
heart.  
And then he was  
gone.”

Anakin bows his head.  
“I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

_I’m sorry I’m going to leave the Order. I’m sorry I’m going to leave Master Kenobi. I’m sorr I’m going to leave Padme. I’m sorry I’m going to leave you even though I promised I’d stay. I’m sorry for breaking my promises. I’m sorry that I’m not going to tell you that I’m leaving until I’m already gone. I’m sorry I’m letting everyone down. I’m sorry I’ve broke the Code. I’m sorry I killed. I’m sorry for the color of my lightsaber. I’m sorry for the darkness tugging at my heart._

_I’m sorry I don’t know who I am._  
I’m sorry I can’t stay because of that.  
I’m sorry that this life is not who I am.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title from "Life's for the Living" by Passenger.
> 
> We've got like two chapters left in this Part and then probably about three of four after that until the end.


	4. "Just don't expect me back this evening."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mox talks to Obi-Wan and everything is drawling to a close.

The Council are seated in a semi-circle  
around me  
and this will be the last time  
I will stand in front of these windows.  
The sun is setting  
and I can't help but think how  
appropriate  
that is for what I am about to say.  
  
"I am giving up Knighthood."  
There are tears in my eyes.  
"I don't want to be a Jedi  
anymore."  
  
Master Yoda raises his eyebrows.  
"Sure, you are?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Master,  
I just can't do this.  
I need to be on my own,  
to figure myself out.  
I'm sure."  
  
Master Kloon inclines his head  
and Master Windu's face is contorted.  
"How will you live?"  
Master Windu asks.  
  
"Senator Padme has agreed  
to employ me as a part of her guard  
while she is on Coruscant  
and then I will decide from there."  
  
No one on the Council looks   
happy.  
They look  
upset  
and annoyed.  
"If you are sure,"  
Master Yoda says again,  
"then you have the night to pack your things,  
say goodbye,  
and a transport will take you to Senator Amidala  
in the morning."

  
"I want to be dismissed from my duties,"  
I state clearly.  
  
"Then you are."  
Master Yoda bangs his stick  
on the ground  
like the gavel in the Senate courts  
and I am finally  
  
 _free._

  
///  
  
  
I stare at the door to Master Obi-Wan's quarters  
and wish that I didn't have to do this.  
As I lift my hand to knock,  
the door slides open,  
and I hear Master Obi-Wan call,  
"I was wondering when you'd get the courage  
to finally come in."  
  
I move through the short hallway  
toward his voice  
in the kitchen  
and then I sit myself down  
and he places a cup of tea  
in front of me.  
I take a few big gulps  
because my stomach is in knots  
and I feel like  
I am not good enough.  
"I can't do this anymore."

"You can't do what?"

I take a deep breath  
and savor my last true seconds  
of being a Jedi.  
"I'm leaving the Order."  
  


He doesn't look as surprised  
as I thought he would.  
He just asks,  
"Are you sure?"  
and I nod  
and he pours me more tea.  
  
"I haven't told Anakin yet."  
I say quietly  
and it feels like a betrayal.  
To keep this from   
someone I am so close to  
hurts.  
  
"He will be upset,"  
Master Obi-Wan pauses.  
"But he will be okay.  
The sooner you tell him,  
the better.  
Do not wait  
until you are already  
gone."  
  
"I know.  
I just wanted to come here first,  
because I didn't know how to tell him.  
I needed more time.  
I'll leave here soon  
and then I'll go to him.  
It's just..."  
  
"You were going to leave  
at the same time."  
  
I look up at him,  
more surprise shown on my face  
than was on his  
when I told him my news.  
He is more perceptive of Anakin and I  
than I had thought.  
"How did you know?"  
  
"I had a feeling.  
You two tend to stick together,  
even more than he and I recently,  
and if you are going to leave  
he will not be  
far behind."  
His face contorts for a second  
and I see pain strike him.  
It is gone too fast though,  
like it is for any good Jedi.  
He knows how to  
let  
go.  
  
I never mastered that,  
and here I am now,  
with my head in my hands,  
ready to leave everything  
I've ever known.  
  
"I'm sorry, Master."  
I can't help the words   
escaping my mouth.  
  
"Sorry for what?"  
  
"I'm sorry I judged you harshly  
when we first met.  
I'm sorry I didn't realize how much  
you care.  
I'm sorry I'm leaving."  
  
"I will never think any less of you,  
Mox.  
You are one of the bravest  
and wisest  
people I know.  
You may struggle to do the right thing,  
but you would have made  
a fantastic Jedi.  
I saw you as my own padawan,  
alongside Anakin,  
but now I realize  
I also see you as a friend."  
  
I am nearly crying by this point.  
"Thank you, Master."  
I get up from my place  
because there is nothing left  
for either of us to say.  
  
"I hope we see each other again soon,  
Mox Howes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from "RUnaway" by Ed Sheeran.
> 
> We only have one more chapter in this part! I'll post that and the first chapter of the next part in the same day, but it might take me a little while because I've been having computer troubles lately.


	5. "Tenderly they turn to dust, all that I adore..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mox finally tells Anakin, and leaves five minutes later.

I have a list of things  
I am not good at:  
-waking up early  
-calculations  
-giving advice  
-being happy  
-being a Jedi  
-saying sorry  
-saying goodbye.

It's the middle of the night  
and I sit in the library  
with my head in my hands.  
Madame Jocasta  
placed a cup of tea  
in front of me earlier  
but it's cold  
and untouched  
now.  
  
I feel his Life Force  
before I see him  
and I wonder exactly what it is  
he's doing here  
until he's standing directly in front of me  
and I can't ignore  
the red  
hot  
pulsing  
anger  
flowing off of him in waves.  
"You're leaving!"

I don't lift my head  
but tears start to gather.  
"I'm sorry, Anakin."  
  
"You made a deal with me!"  
I can hear the hurt in his voice  
and feel it through the Force.  
He's in so much pain.  
  
"I'm so sorry."  
The words on the book beneath my arms  
begin to blur as the ink runs  
with my tears.  
"I'm so sorry, Ani.  
I had to,  
I'm not a Jedi."  
  
"You were the best one here!"  
  
"I  
 _killed_  
my master,  
Anakin."  
My voice is choked and quiet  
and I want to  
die.  
  
He's silent.  
"I didn't mean to make you feel  
bad,"  
he says.

I smile a little bit wryly  
and lift my head  
to see him still standing  
across the table  
and I can feel the distance between us.  
"You've learned something,  
your attention to the Life Force  
has improved."  
  
He scoffs  
and finally sits down.  
The chair scrapes against the ground.  
"That doesn't matter anymore."  
  
"I'm leaving the Order,"  
I say,  
"but I'm not leaving you quite yet.  
Padme has hired me  
as a personal guard."  
  
Anakin now drops his head into his hands  
in the same position I was in before.  
"On one hand,  
I lose a great ally against the Order,  
but on the other,  
someone I  
trust  
very much is protecting the woman  
I love.  
I guess that was the best route."  
  
"You will not lose all connection to me,  
Anakin Skywalker.  
I will keep you informed every once in a while."  
  
"You aren't planning to stay on Coruscant."  
  
"Padme will not need me forever,  
and I will not need this planet  
and it's painful reminders."  
  
"What about trying to find your family?"  
  
"Oh yes, and show up on their doorstep,  
'Hi, I'm that daughter the Jedi took seventeen years ago,  
I'm back and dropped out of the Order.  
We could've bee together this whole time!'"  
  
"You could have a family,  
even if it is a little painful."  
  
"I do have a family,  
Anakin,  
with you and Padme  
and Master Obi-Wan.  
You were all the family I need."  
  
"But that still wasn't  
enough."  
He looks up  
to glance at me in the eyes,  
but quickly looks away,  
and I get a sense of his feelings  
though the Force.

He feels as though he  
failed  
me.  
I have failed  
him.  
"You were always enough.  
But I wasn't."  
I pause,  
"Again, I'm sorry.  
I will see you again soon,  
I promise."  
  
The sun starts to rise outside of the library  
and it's time,  
so I get up  
take one last look around  
this former santuary  
and leave.  
  
 **///**  
  
 _I will not see the inside of the Temple again for sometime._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Things We Lost In The Fire" by Bastille
> 
> Next chapter will be up before Tuesday!!!! This is sort of the ending, but there's two more parts that are more like epilogues in their own rights. The next one takes place at the beginning of RotS and the last one takes place at the end. We're very close to finishing Mox's story.


End file.
